只有爱，还不够
爱只是一个成功婚姻的起点，因为婚姻和恋爱约会大不相同。婚姻就像一个非常世俗的小企业，你和你的丈夫既是联合雇主又是联合雇员。如果你嫁对了人，这实际上是件很美好的事。为了让公司发展得风生水起，你和他必须在公司的发展方向和经营理念上达成共识。你们必须完全信任彼此的为人和判断力，弄清楚你们的公司要如何赚钱、如何花钱，确定哪些任务要完成以及由谁来完成。但与其他的小企业不同的是，你们俩必须承诺在余下的生命中担任这个公司的联合雇主和联合雇员。
采取猎头的策略寻找白马王子
不要嫁给你约会时见到的第一个男人。你怎么知道你们之间的感情就是无与伦比的爱情呢？采取猎头的策略来寻找白马王子吧。针对任何一次猎头搜索，我的公司都会浏览上百位候选人的资料。有一次，为了给一家福布斯500强的公司找CFO，我们面试了1000多个人！如果你是我的公司里的一名猎头，我给你布置了一项搜索任务，然后你在大把的候选人中最后锁定两个或三个人选，那我会炒了你。
寻找你的白马王子时不可掉以轻心，或随意缩减约会人数。这是你的人生中最重要的一次搜索——这么说不是我在夸张——你唯一拿来作赌注的是你的未来。
当你开始一次新搜索时，第一步是定义你的理想候选人。不要降低你的标准，但是要确定你的标准合情合理。问一个男人他希望在一个女人身上看到什么，他会说出两个东西：好看和甜美。问一个女人她希望在一个男人身上看到什么，她会说出200个东西：
• 富有而且慷慨
• 知道如何对一个女人好
• 知道如何在饭店里点一瓶酒以及当酒送到桌上时要做什么
• 穿着名贵像个时尚先生，但不是同性恋
……等等。 女士们，请别这样。如果你是我的顾客，我会让你将这些品质分为两栏：“必须具备”和“最好具备”。你的“必须具备”栏应该只包括那些最重要的品质，像“和他共处使我变得更优秀”“能让我的心灵欢歌”“和我的价值观相同”“有共同的人生目标”“经济实力稳健”。剩下的品质，都移到“最好具备”那栏中去。
搜索的第二步是界定、面试和评价一众候选人。和不同的人相恋再相别是件很重要的事，因为它能帮你更好地了解在一段感情中你需要什么、不需要什么。难道你对男人没有好奇吗？这将是你的生命中唯一能够探索各类浪漫恋情和性经历的机会，所以你应该走出门好好享受。
别让他掌控你的命运
有时一个女人根本没心思去搜索白马王子。这个女人只想把约会时见到的每个男人都强行拉上婚姻的轨道。她是那个会问“我现在是在哪个位置”“这段感情将何去何从”“你要小孩吗”的人。这样做时，她其实是在告诉他这段感情完全听他摆布。这种行为非常危险，因为她在关于结婚的决定上完全采取被动。她看起来就像个绝望透顶的女人。一个男人希望你和他在一起是因为你选择了他，而不是因为你离不开他。
不要使出最后通牒
如果约会了一段时间还没被求婚，这个女人常常会开始上演最后通牒。逼婚的最后通牒通常像这样：“嗨亲爱的。在X时间点前像我求婚（比如三个月），要不然我就会离开你！”
我不怎么相信逼婚这种事，因为当你和你的灵魂伴侣在一起时，通常你和他都非常清楚：就算飞奔的野马要将你拉走，他也会对你紧追不舍，直到他万分确定你永远都是他的。他对和你共处的每一天都充满感恩。他会承诺与你共度余生，照顾你和你们生下的任何孩子。
好男人遍天下
有种论调是如果你不早点结婚，好男人就都被人抢走了。这完全是无稽之谈，尤其是考虑到中国性别比例失衡的状况。任何一个认为世上没有好男人的女人都只是不懂得如何与男人打交道的女人。这种打交道的技巧叫做善解人意。男人和女人表达爱的方式不同，而如果你学会用男人喜欢的方式爱他们，你将永远不会孤独。也许我该写一本教你将梦想老公收入囊中的猎头指南。
首先要做Ms. Right
你要如何找到真我？通过你的事业！你能通过工作发现你的激情之所在，也能通过工作增进对自己的了解、爱护与尊重。20多岁时要非常非常努力地 工作，找到你真心热爱的东西，就像我一样，那么你就能拥有一个璀璨的事业。而且，女士们，再没有什么和笑傲职场一样有趣了！
男人尊重那些自食其力的女人，正如一个华尔街金融男曾给一个想傍大款的美丽女人留下的难忘忠告所示。而且一个极其锻炼人的工作能让你和那些你在做“花瓶”时永远碰不到的男人交往。最性感的女人都是事业上的成就者，因为她们最有趣，最激动人心。
……到了那时好男人就会出现
20岁后，我在吸引男人方面毫无障碍（华裔女性在美国很受欢迎！），但是交往对象的成份却随着时间的推移不断进化。当我20多岁的时候，我有过几任男友，但整体而言我的恋爱生活总是不能尽如我意。18岁的男孩们崇拜我，50岁的老男孩们更崇拜我。和我同龄的男子看起来有点发育不全，就和我自己一样。有时当别人约我出去，我会想：“谢谢，但我觉得我还是宁愿窝在公寓里，看一本好书，品一杯酒。”
当我进入30岁时，身体部位开始下垂，但我的精神和事业开始腾飞，在我的恋爱生活中，也发生了有趣的事。我吸引的男人范围开始缩小，但都是些层次高得多的男人。老男孩们消失了，我被留在一群成功自信的真男人中。恋爱变得有趣了。
我那些已婚的朋友会请我吃饭，只为听我最新的约会奇遇。我和亲爱的大卫第一次约会定在一个周日的夜晚，但就在前一天周六晚上，我和另一个也很理想的大卫也进行了第一次约会。我的朋友认为我简直就是个“采花大圣”，因为我可以在一个周末里连续碰到“周六大卫”和“周日大卫”。
周一早晨，当朋友打来电话索要战果报告时，我通知他们说：从今以后只会有一个大卫。为了我繁忙的工作与社交行程表忙碌多年的秘书听了，也被雷了一下：也许我已经破天荒地找到那个能够成为“每日大卫”的人。
做大龄妈妈好处多
我和大卫的爱情至今已经结晶为两个宝贝女儿，她们分别于我39岁和41岁时诞生。关于做个年龄大一点的父母，世界闻名的亲子专家Vicki Panaccione博士有力地总结了我的感受：
年轻的父母还有很多人生要去经历，于是可能会怨恨生孩子给他们施加的限制和责任。年龄大一点的父母往往更能准备好稳定下来、专心享受做父母的乐趣，而不会觉得他们“错过”了其他经历。他们的生活往往更富裕，他们与另一半、孩子以及生活打交道的经历总的来说也更有意义，更加积极。
年龄大一点的父母往往在经济状况上更稳定，在事业上更有安全感，而且他们也已经完成了学校教育。这往往意味着在时间管理方面经历的冲突会比较少，因为他们不需要在学校、家庭、工作间游移奔波。他们也许能够早点退休，或者能够在已有的工作中拥有更大的灵活度，使自己有更多机会与孩子共处。
最后，年纪大一点的父母往往能够拥有更稳定的婚姻，因为他们要么是已经呆在一起很长时间，要么是相遇时已经更清楚自己想在人生伴侣身上找到什么。他们也可能更善于与对方沟通，懂得妥协与建立共识的重要性。在抚养孩子的过程中，这一点至关重要——稳定的双亲关系能让孩子觉得更安全。此外，在人生较成熟的阶段发展的感情往往会更加充满激情……而充满激情的伴侣会成为更好的父母！
赶早结婚是上个世纪的残羹冷炙
所有有学识、有才华、有激情的年轻姐妹们，无论你走出国门还是留在国内，你们就是中国的未来。如果你遵守了所有的规矩，你也将失去所有的乐趣。不要让任何人使你觉得自己会因为活得自由而成为一个不那么合格的社会成员。所以，活跃起来，让你们所有的梦想都变成现实吧。你们也将拥有一切。而到了那时，女士们，通过你的闪亮个案，你可以向社会展示如何真正地生活。
After all, your brain is still changing
Neuroscientists once thought the brain stops after puberty, but they now have found that the part of your brain that comes up with long-range strategy, that answers the question “Who am I and what do I want to do with my life,” actually keeps changing into your 20s and 30s.
That means that you are a different person now in your 20s than you will be in your 30s – and so is your boyfriend. Couples who marry early thus burden their lives with serious extra hurdles. Nobody enters a marriage thinking, “Someday we’ll hate each other,” but that’s precisely the experience of most of China’s born-post-1980 generation. This generation’s divorce rate already is 57%, and the oldest members are only 30!
When you’re 20 and the long-term-thinking area of your brain is still evolving, you look for “Mr. Right Now.” When you’re 30, you’re better equipped to find a “Mr. Right” for ever.
Why do you want to get married?
Why do you want to get married? Because your friends are getting married? Because society has bamboozled you to think you should be married by now? These reasons have nothing to do with the man you’re marrying, and they bode for an unhappy future, a future where you’ll be only half alive. Without room in this relationship for the essential you, you will be lonely forever. And so will he.
So, forget about the fantasy of marriage and let’s get real.
Love is not enough
Love is only the starting point for a successful marriage. That’s because marriage is nothing like dating. Marriage is like a very mundane small business in which you are co-partners and co-employees. This actually can be really really nice, ifyou hitch yourself to the right partner. For the company to succeed, you and he must agree on the direction of your company and the values by which it will run. You must believe in each other completely and trust in each other’s good judgment. You must figure out how your company will make money and how to spend it. You must identify what tasks must be done and who will do what. Unlike in any other small business, however, you both must commit to being co-owners and co-employees in this company for the rest of your days on Earth.
Take a headhunting approach to finding Mr. Right
Don’t marry the first guy you date. How could you know it’s love when you have nothing to compare it to? Take a headhunting approach to finding your soul mate. For any given search assignment, my firm reviews hundreds of candidates. Once, to find the CFO of a Fortune 500 company, we spoke with over 1,000 people! If you worked as a headhunter in my firm, and I assigned you a search, and you limited your entire universe of candidates to just two or three, I’d fire you.
Do not slack off on your search for Mr. Right. This is the most important search of your life, and I’m not exaggerating when I say that the only thing at stake is your future.
When you kick off a new search, Step One is defining your ideal candidate. Do not lower your standards, but do make sure your standards are sound. Ask a guy what he’s looking for in a woman and he’ll say two things: good-looking and nice. Ask a woman what she’s looking for in a guy and she’ll say two hundred things:
• Rich but generous
• Knows how to treat a woman well
• Knows how to order a bottle of wine in a restaurant, and what to do when the wine comes to the table
• Wears Italian suits but is not gay
… and on and on. Ladies, please. If you were my client, I’d make you sort these qualities into two columns: “Must Have” and “Nice to Have.” Your “Must Have” column should include only those things that are truly important, like “makes me a better person when I am with him,” “makes my heart sing,” “shares my values,” “wants what I want in life.” and “financially stable.” Move everything else over to your “Nice to Have” column.
Next step in your search is to identify, interview and evaluate a multitude of candidates. Falling in and out of love with different people is important to helping you better understand what you don’t want in a relationship as well as what you do want. Aren’t you curious about men? This is your only chance in life to have a range of romantic and sexual experiences, so get out there and have some fun.
Don’t put him in charge of deciding your fate
Sometimes a woman doesn’t even bother to conduct a search. This is the one who tries to force every guy she dates onto the marriage track. Who asks him: “Where do I stand?” Where is this going?” “Do you want to have kids?” By doing this, she’s telling him the relationship is entirely his to dictate. This behavior is really dangerous because she’s completely passive in the decision to marry. This behavior also is demeaning to her, and off-putting to him. She comes across as desperate. A man wants you to be with him because you choose to be, not because you need to be.
Don’t deploy The Ultimatum
After a certain amount of time without a marriage proposal, this woman may start to plot The Ultimatum. It goes like this: “Hi honey. Propose to me within x time (such as three months), or I will leave you!”
I don’t believe in The Ultimatum. When you’re with your soul mate, it should be so completely obvious to you both that wild horses could not keep him from running after you and making absolutely certain that you are his forever. He will be grateful for every day that he has with you. And he will commit to spending the rest of his days caring for you and any children that you have together.
There are great men out there
It’s nonsense, the idea that if you wait to marry, there will be no good men left, particularly given the gender imbalance in China. Any woman who thinks there are no good men out there simply does not know how to relate to men. It’s calledempathy. Men and women love differently, and if you learn how to love men the way they need to be loved, you’ll never be lonely. Perhaps I should write a headhunter’s guide to bagging the man of your dreams.
First become Ms. Right
How do you find yourself? Through your career! It’s through work that you discover your passions, and that you develop a greater understanding, love and respect for yourself. Spend your 20s working really really hard finding things you’re passionate about, as I did, and you can have an incredible career. And, ladies, nothing is quite as much fun as achieving.
Men respect women who make their own money, as one Wall Street man memorably reminded a beautiful young gold-digger. And a smashing job puts you in touch with the kind of man you couldn’t access if you were a dummy. The sexiest women are the achievers because they’re the most interesting and exciting.
… and that’s when the good men will appear
As I entered my 20s, I never had any trouble attracting men (Chinese women are very popular in America!), but the make-up of those men evolved over time. When I was in my 20s, I had boyfriends, but overall my love life was somewhat unsatisfying. Boys age 18 worshipped me, man-boys age 50 worshipped me more. Guys my own age seemed a little unfinished, like I was. Too often when someone asked me out, I’d think, “Thanks, but I think I’d rather curl up in my apartment with a good book and a glass of wine.”
As I grew into my 30s, as body parts sagged but spirit soared along with my career, something funny happened in my love life. I started attracting a narrower band of men, of much higher caliber. The man-boys disappeared and I was left with successful, self-assured real men. Dating became fun.
Married friends invited me over for dinner just to hear about my latest dating adventures. My first date with beloved Dave occurred on a Sunday night, while on the preceding Saturday night, I had another first date with another highly-eligible Dave. My friends thought I was the “bee’s knees” for having a “Saturday Dave” and a “Sunday Dave” both lined up in a single weekend.
Monday morning when they called for the after-action report, I informed them that going forward there would be only one Dave. My secretary, for years having juggled my busy work and social schedule, was surprised to hear that perhaps I’d even met my Every Day Dave.
It’s way better to be an older parent
Our love since has resulted in two baby girls, born when I was 39 and 41. On being an older parent, the world-renown parenting expert Dr. Vicki Panaccione eloquently sums up my own feelings :
Younger parents still have lots of life experiences to live, and can actually end up resenting the restrictions and responsibilities placed on them by virtue of having a child. Older parents tend to be more ready to settle down and focus their attention on the enjoyment of being parents and not feeling they are ‘missing out’ on other experiences. Their lives tend to be richer, and their experiences with each other, their children and life in general, have deeper meaning and appreciation.
Older parents tend to be more financially stable and secure in their careers, and have completed their education. This tends to mean less conflict regarding how to parcel out time, not having to juggle school, family and job. They also may be able to retire earlier, or be more flexible in their established work situation, affording them the opportunity to spend more time with their children.
Finally, older parents tend to be in more stable marriages, either because they have been together a long time, or have come together later in life with a clearer understanding of what they had been seeking in a life partner. They are more apt to have greater ability to communicate with each other, and have learned the importance of compromise and establishing agreement. In child rearing, this is particularly important. Stable relationships provide greater stability for children. And, relationships developing later in life tend to be more passionate…and passionate partners make better parents!
The rush to marry too young is what’s leftover from a previous era
All you educated, talented, passionate young sisters, for those of you going abroad and those of you staying home, YOU are China’s future. If you obey all the rules, you’ll miss all the fun. Do not ever let anyone make you feel you are less than a fully legitimate member of society simply because you are free. So, get out there and make all your dreams come true. You too can have it all. And then, ladies, through your shining example, show the rest of society how to really live.
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